You know how we teach our children that “Please” and “Thank You” are magic words? Well, it might be magic when they use them on us... but if you think your 4 year old is going to do what you’d like just because you say “please” you are in for a rude awakening!

So today I’m going to share with you the top 10 words or phrases that I learned from children themselves, that seem to most consistently elicit the cooperation I’d like and increase the chances that I’m actually heard and acknowledged. ;-)

1. YES! - This is a word you never need to use sparingly. It’s a powerful word for anybody, not just kids. I’ve observed that it’s incredibly under-used by parents. I recommend you multiply by a factor of at least 10 the number of times you use ‘yes’ in a day. It may require a bit of creativity and clarity on your part to figure out how to turn your ‘no’s’ to YES… like in setting up qualifying parameters (a great topic for a future post) but I know you’re up for it!

2. NO! – Like ‘yes’, No is a very magical and powerful word… when used sparingly and appropriately. In fact, much of the power of this word should come from it’s rarity. I mean think about it… unless you are being offered something you do not want, or asked if you have, have done or will do something youdon’t, didn’t or won’t… then when would you really need to use “No”? (This may be a good place to point out that many parents get in the misusing “No” habit when their children are mere toddlers… consider the alternative of #3)

3. STOP! Another word that holds great power and magic is “stop!” I caution you that this, like ‘no’, runs a risk of being over-used thus losing it’s power. A couple of tips may help… first, try to use it always and only as a stand-alone. When you add a whole thought, “Stop blah, blah, blah, blah…!” you run the risk of turning into that droning ‘teacher’ that Charlie Brown and pals suffer through and your kids will quickly tune you out. My second tip is to use it playfully. Don’t worry about using it exclusively as a warning. Many opportunities arise for you to play some variation of a ‘Stop and Go’ game with your child. It’s great for teaching them self-control and seems to make them more receptive to the word when it’s really imperative that they stop doing what they’re doing.

4. How do you feel about…? Feelings can’t be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’… they’re simply how we feel. Asking your child to share their feelings about things is very powerful… especially when you listen respectfully and stay away from ‘judging’ them for what they feel. A helpful tool I’ve had in my home for years is the How Are You Feeling Today poster. Even the young ones that can’t quite articulate their feelings can identify with the faces.
How Are You Feeling Today?, Art Poster by Borgman, size 18

5. How are you going to do it?
Another powerful phrase (are you noticing that many of these phrases are questions?? ;-)) This is often asked following a “Yes” where you don’t plan to be the main resource for the child’s desire.

6. Let’s… – You’ll understand the magic in this simple word when you realize the importance to most children of inclusiveness. It says you’re going to participate in something together. Do not use it if that is not your intention.

7. Experiment – Don’t underestimate the fun and power of the word experiment. I figure part of it’s magic is that kids simply don’t have many words with the wonderful letter ‘x’ in it… be that as it may, when you posture things as an experiment you’re ready and welcoming the unknown or unexpected. Always a delight. To introduce it your child to the word and concept it’s really fun to do some ‘formal’ experiments (again, more fodder for future blogs, but have you ever filled a pie tin with about a cup of whole milk, the more fat the better the result, added a few drops of food coloring to the top, then made the colors dance and swirl by simply adding one drop of dish soap to the center? Honestly mesmerizing). With their new understanding and this powerful word everything can become an experiment… like picking up their toys a new way or at a new speed or putting their coat on a creatively.

8. You figured it out! – A powerful phrase of praise… especially for those having fun experimenting. ;-)

9. Tell me about it – Whether it’s a child-made drawing you’re having trouble deciphering or an interesting day at school, “tell me about it”, when spoken with authentic interest and a willingness to truly listen will appropriately light up a child or comfort them. One of the problems with ‘tell me about it’ is our need as parents to overcome our tendency to tell them about it… even when it’s THEIR story to tell. We really need to shut up and listen… stop ending sentences for children, stop telling them they don’t feel something they claim to feel (i.e. You can’t be hungry…)  or that they do feel something they simply don’t feel. (i.e. Say you’re sorry) and really listen while they tell us what’s going on with them. I have actively worked at becoming a better listener and I know I still have a long way to go. If you’d like a quick read of your current listening skills I recommend taking the Speaking and Listening quiz.

10. Active Verbs – okay, that’s not really a phrase or a word but let me just say that when you’re looking for your child’s cooperation, paying attention to verbs will be a HUGE help. The human brain responds very well, and amazingly rapidly to verbs… in fact, research has shown that we ‘hear’ them before any other words in a sentence… and sometimes we hear only the verb. A couple of other interesting facts about how we hear and understand words has to do with word placement and the fact that we easily tune out negatives and you can start to understand the power and magic of paying attention to verbs. It was fun experimenting with this over the years with many, many children and one thing I know for sure is that you want to end your sentence with a verb… and it had better be the action you WANT as opposed to the one you don’t. Understanding this can explain why the command “Stop running” is so ineffective… and the suggestion, “Let’s walk” or “Let’s skip” is far more likely to deliver the results you desire.

I’d love to hear any feedback you have after experimenting with these power words and phrases. Don’t hesitate to continue the conversation by leaving a comment.

Play Well Together,

~~Mary K