If you’re a parent, I’m sure you’ve experienced at least one moment (HA! One… as if…) when your child has asked for (demanded?) something and you’ve said no… only to have them whine and complain and generally harass you into saying YES!

YES?!

As I witnessed another one of these all too frequent experiences a couple of days ago, I also witnessed the Mom experiencing that abject disappointment in herself for being such a ‘wishy washy’ parent and ‘caving’ to her young son’s demands (her words, not mine) that so often follows a loving parent around like a worrisome gnat.

And I said to her, “It’s okay to change your mind. Especially if you’re willing to turn it into a teaching moment. You could acknowledge to him that you didn’t appreciate his whining but that you DID realize that the reason you said no in the first place wasn’t all that important to you. That way you model the fact that sometimes when we think about things more, we come to different conclusions. And that can be a very good message.”

As we went on our merry way I started thinking about all of this and it occurs to me that while  I do believe that it’s important and good that we all have the freedom to change our minds, we might be better served if we practice truly giving questions some thorough thought in the first place… and the second place… and even the third place.

In other words, let’s slow down a bit when we’re confronted with a decision so that we can get clear about what our needs and preferences are before we give a response, while reserving the right, as new information comes in, to change our decision again… and again.

Yes, I know this defies the ‘hurry up’ society we seem to be living in. Yet I’ll bet it could be an extremely fun and refreshing challenge that benefits all of us on many levels.

Instead of locking ourselves up into thinking ‘changing our mind’ indicates a power struggle with our child, won by our child… couldn’t it be a powerful expression of positive, fluid, guardianship… taking care of ourselves and our children at the same time?

Let’s use the scenario from the other day as an example:

We’re going to take a walk down a blacktop trail to get to a bridge that takes us over a busy street where a procession is taking place to lay to rest a police officer in the community who was recently shot down on the job. There are three adults and one child. The only thing being carried are four little American flags we intend to wave to pay our respect and offer our appreciation to the thousands of officers that will be in the procession.

4 year old wants to ride his bike. Mom has said ‘No’ because the quickest way to get to the trail is up a fairly steep (though short) embankment that she realizes the 4 year old is not going to be able to negotiate with a bike.  [Not a bad decision on Mom's part... right? And at this point, while it's a reasonable decision, she's not given  a lot of thought about whether this issue is negotiable or not. ]

4 year old dissolves into tears, doesn’t want to go, clings to mom crying that he wants to ride his bike. We walk, (Mom hobbles with child clinging) past a couple of houses while this continues. [ a guy has a right to express his feelings whatever they may be]

As we’re about to pass Mom and 4 yr. old’s house, Mom picks him up and explains again why she feels it’s not a good idea to take the bike. He cries harder and buries his head in Mom’s neck. After just passing the house she puts him down and her ‘no’ turns into a yes, to they run up to the garage to get the bike. [now we have a happy (and speedy) kid and a frustrated Mom, where I respond as mentioned above. ]

Now we get to the embankment, which, did I mention, was overgrown with shrubs and trees? It is. And the struggle to get the bike up to the path ensues. Here Mom points out that this was the reason she originally didn’t think taking the bike was a good idea. And the 4 year old responds with, “I don’t care!” [ I admit, with this new information, I would have been rethinking my change of mind. Since the child didn't care, I would be inclined to set the bike down and grab it on the way back home. The new information that my child didn't care about how much work it was FOR ME, would have been enough to make me question why I was doing what I was doing... with the result being that I would have 'changed my mind' once again.]

Now let’s talk about this a moment. As the mom here, I’d find it really valuable for me to recognize what’s going on for me about this most recent change of mind and what I’m modeling to my child.

Is it coming from my feelings of disappointment over what appears to be an ungrateful child? Or, better… am I prompted to take a closer look at what is up for me around lugging this bike up the very overgrown embankment? What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to please? What do I hope to gain? Does ‘LOVE’ call for me to do this?!?

Asking those kinds of questions is the difference between having our children trigger the ‘child’ in us and responding from that childish perspective… or responding as a reasonable, competent adult with common sense.

Consider this:

When we pay attention to our reasons for making a decision and have clarity, first with ourselves, about whether or not the decision is negotiable, then a change of mind can show them a wise and loving grownup who takes in new information and adjusts their decisions as they go about the day.

When we fail to pay attention to our reasons and/or we give no thought to the degree of importance of them, a change of mind can show them an indecisiveness that is vulnerable to manipulation.

Decisiveness doesn’t mean never changing your mind. It means making decisions as you go based on information available in the moment, not necessarily behaviors in the moment.

The good news is that even if we start out a bit wobbly, thoughtlessly, we can regroup at any time and step into a decisiveness that really serves us while also serving our child.

So rest assured, it’s okay to change your mind and let a NO! become a YES! and back again. You have the power to decide! ;-)