Sometimes we find ourselves just ‘putting out fires’ all day long. Seems like there’s always someone having a crises or meltdown about something. After a few consecutive days like this it becomes really imperative that we actively look for WHAT’S RIGHT!

I can promise you that in each day there is something going right. Even if it seems like the world is falling apart around you and the pressure is mounting… if you can take a moment to find just one thing to purposefully appreciate, you can build on it.

It might be the weather, or your child’s smile, or a tasty dinner, and on those particularly stressful days it might just be a memory. Yet even a memory of a pleasant experience or something you admire about someone can be enough to open the door to a bit of relief.

Developing and practicing a habit of looking for what’s right is a valuable tool. And one that can have the effect of literally diminishing the ‘wrong’ in your life.

One of the ways I have worked on this is by sending greeting cards. Each day I send a card to someone who is not expecting a card. In other words, I’m not talking about birthday cards or anniversary cards, or get well cards… I’m talking about a heartfelt, unexpected greeting card telling someone ‘what’s right’… what I appreciate and celebrate about them. It’s a first-thing-in-the morning activity that sets a wonderful tone for my day.

Today I got a delightful call from my 4 year old granddaughter thanking me for the card and zebra bookmark (yes… I occasionally include a gift ;-)) I mailed to her late last week. She was so excited she was shouting over the phone! Here’s the card I created for her:

Card front:

Card inside:

Now… I don’t send cards for the ‘thank you’ — I send cards to remind people they matter… and that they are noticed. And I get such an amazing start to each day by focusing on amazing people. Yet that exuberant thanks  I received was a delicious bonus indeed!

Because I own a very nifty greeting card system… today I want to invite you to surprise someone with a card. You might be surprised at how good it will make not only them… but YOU feel. I’ll even cover the cost for you. Just click here. (Need help… just let me know and I’ll walk you through it ;-))

Play well… and keep a lookout for WHAT’S RIGHT in your day!

~Mary K

p.s. If you’d like to be added to my list to RECEIVE a greeting card please go to Remember Greeting Cards, scroll to the bottom and fill out the form. In the comment box you can just include “Send me a card!” and then watch your mailbox. (Though you’ll never know when it will arrive :-))

Today is a Musical Monday…  Set to Bette Midler’s Blueberry Pie I’m dedicating my newest video to my granddaughter and her cousin -  two girls in the blueberry patch (do blueberries grow in patches?!?)

Enjoy!!!!

Where everyone hugs
instead of tugs

What an idea! Yesterday I shared a Rock Poetry idea over at the Downstream Activities for Kids blog. An example of that is what you see above. I love that particular poem by Shel Silverstein. (You can find it in Where The Sidewalk Ends) and sharing it with a group of children always ends with a tumbling, giggly hug o’ war of our own.

I have a suggestion today… when you have one of those moments with your child, whether they’re 2 or 12 or 22, and you find yourselves ‘tugging’ at one another, take a deep breath and then reach out and hug them. Yes, RIGHT THEN! Even if you… or they… are mid-sentence.

Let yourself feel the energy shift. Even if they simply stand there rigidly at first, hold on as if nothing matters more than LOVE.

It will change your day!

You have to admit… we love our superheroes.  Young wizards, Jedi Knights, vampire slayers, sexy vampires, goddess warriors or Superman, they attract us like magnets.

Is it the idea of being chosen for a powerful purpose, being endowed with unique powers, being different and special that appeals to us so much? Might that be because we each are all that??

Do you see your child as a superhero?

Are you willing to see yourself as one?

Isn’t it true that each of us is unique, filled with incredible gifts and powers that are expressed in a way that is ours alone?

Of course, most of us have learned to hide and deny this. Some of us were even taught it’s arrogant to see yourself as special. Instead, we work hard at ‘fitting in’ and getting along.  We focus on our flaws instead of our brilliance and spend our days trying to “improve” ourselves.

But let me ask you this –  is that really what you want for your child?

Can you imagine what the world would be like if we encouraged our children to not only accept but embrace their superpowers?!?

Ah… yet remember what Spiderman says, “With great power comes great responsibility.” What happens now?

EVERYTHING CHANGES!

Because when you openly and with great acceptance celebrate your child’s superpowers, how could he possibly NOT dedicate himself to using those fantastic, unique powers for good? And once recognized they will be explored, developed and utilized! Amazing!

Think on this… don’t you owe it to your child and the world to guide them into discovering and developing what they’re really capable of?

The truth is… you AND your child are ALREADY superheroes! Your gifts are unique to you and are greatly needed by the world.

What will you do to encourage your child to explore her superpowers? Dare her… and him… to be the superhero you already know they are!

I was recently reminded of a story told by Joe Batten at a Leadership Training Seminar. [Joe wrote the best selling book titled: “Tough-Minded Leadership”.] And it got me thinking that effective parents are very much like effective leaders… we just don’t seem to term it that way.

Today I want to change that… so I share Joe’s (true) story and ask you to consider your ‘parentship’ skills.

Are You a Driver or a Leader?

A number of years ago, Joe met with a group of 35 CEOs for a daylong seminar on his favorite subject, Leadership. Early in the presentation, he asked them, “How many of you are leaders in your company?” Every person in the room raised his hand. Joe smiled and said, “I’ll ask you the same question after I share this true story with you.”

In the Middle-East there are two countries, separated only by a border, who have large sheep and mutton industries. The cultures of the two countries are radically different and they are hostile to each other. In fact, they have even fought wars with each other.

In one country, the shepherds walk behind their flocks. In the other country, the shepherds walk in front of their flocks. Now remember, this is a true story.

In the country where the shepherds walk behind their flocks, the quality of the mutton and the wool is poor and it is not a profitable industry.

In the country where the shepherds walk in front of their flocks, the quality of the mutton and wool is excellent and the profitability is high.

Why?

In the flocks where the shepherd walks behind and pushes, drives, corrects, and is always in charge, the young sheep grow up afraid to stray from the flock for fear of being rapped up-side the head by the shepherd’s staff or having the dogs sent out to round them up.

They have no opportunity to explore for better grass and water, or to play with other young lambs. They simply become obedient, passive and apathetic. By the time they are grown, they have lost all initiative. They are not really healthy.

In the country where the shepherds walk in front of their flocks, the young lambs have plenty of opportunity to stray, play, experiment, and then catch up to the flock. Instead of feeling overly controlled, compressed, repressed, depressed and suppressed, they feel free, empowered, enhanced and stretched. They eat more, sleep better and grow up large and healthy. They are truly led.”

When Joe finished his story, assuring the executives once more of its authenticity, he asked again, “How many of you truly lead in your company?” Not a hand was raised.

The reason I told you Joe’s story was to make a distinction between driving your children forward and Leading them toward success, and to let you know that that is a fundamental choice you can make. I feel it is the most important decision you have to make in order to succeed.

Don’t be driven by your fears… instead be LED by your highest values and your grandest vision.

Okay… in the name of total transparency (and full disclosure)… two things are important for you to know -

1. some of what follows is what I NOW know are skills every teen needs. (In other words, think about doing what I SAY… not what I DID. Though in all fairness all of this was at least introduced to my sons by the time they were teens. :-)

2. Please don’t think you must wait until they’re in their teens to start working on these skills… that would be just silly. :-) In fact, I’d say they should have something of a working relationship with all of them by the time they’re 12… then you can guide them in honing their skills during their teen years.

I was amazed to recently read that some colleges are finding themselves in the position of having to teach our young adults some very basic life skills. For instance, The University of Texas at Austin occasionally has informal “How to Clean Your Room” sessions at the residence halls and Guilford College in Greensboro, North Carolina, periodically arranges residence hall programs to help students learn how to do laundry. YIKES!!! When did parents drop the ball on the basics?!?

Now I certainly understand reaching the point of wondering if our kids will ever get a handle on the basics. Yep, I remember more than one irrational moment of ‘explaining’ in a very loud voice that WHEN TRASH YOU THROW IN THE WASTEBASKET IS BOUNCING BACK AT YOU THE BASKET IS FULL AND NEEDS TO BE EMPTIED… BY YOU!

But still… let them mess up a time or two (or 200) while they’re home with you. It will teach them resiliency and how to handle minor failures and a crazy mother making a big hairy deal out of minor things. A resilient child is ultimately a successful child… Frankly, (sometimes to my chagrin) I have yet to go to the home of any of my sons today to find their wastebasket overflowing with trash. Weird… I know!

So on with the list… in no particular order of importance (though I suspect you’ll find an order of importance to you)

Car Maintenance
Yes, I know… today there are even mechanics who no longer enjoy working on cars that are now more electronic than mechanical… and still, take the time to teach your kid the basics. We should all be able to change a tire, check fluid levels, know where to find the tire pressure and be able to inflate a tire properly.

So yes, go with them to the car, open the hood and have them pull out the dipstick. Show them how to wipe it off, replace it, pull it out again and read the oil level. Locate the reservoir for wiper fluid and all other fluids. Open the glove box and whip out the Owners Manual and show them where to look things up. Take them to the gas station, point out the sticker with recommended tire pressure (usually on the driver’s door frame) and teach them to use a tire gauge and add air if needed.

Cleaning
If your kids are like my kids they think the kitchen and bathroom are magically self-cleaning and are simply for food consumption and waste elimination period. Please don’t send them out into the world with this crazy thinking… introduce them to the broom, mop, dustpan, toilet bowl brush and all assorted cleaning products. Ideally, their weekly chores should include each one. Oh… and by all means, teach them the wonders of weekly trash pickup by having them take out the trash. (who knew this would entail teaching them what ‘full’ means… *sigh*)

[note: don't go crazy and wage war over their messy room. Better to close your eyes and close their door to a little chaos as long as they're pulling their weight with other chores. No need to go overboard and risk closing the lines of communication.]

Public Transportation
Even if you live out in the ‘boonies’, realize that your child may not choose to stay at ‘home’ their whole lives. So grab as many opportunities as you can to have them experience using public transportation… city bus, subway, light rail, the ‘EL, trains, planes… whatever it is let them get involved in all aspects of the experience to learn to be comfortable and competent in purchasing a ticket and paying the fare as well as plotting the intended route.

If it’s something you haven’t had much experience with yourself then make it a fun learning experience for everyone. Even learning to get comfortable asking for direction is a great skill to have.

Then will come the day that is likely to be much tougher for you than your child… let them ride solo… maybe a quick jaunt to the library or a friend’s home across town. I remember what a stretch it was for me when I first put my youngest on the city bus to ride without me to a friends. Of course, he had orders to call me the minute he arrived and before he left to come home. That was one of those very long afternoons… but the beaming grin on his face that accompanied his new sense of freedom and confidence when he got off that bus at home was absolutely priceless. And it’s ultimately a huge comfort knowing your kids can take care of themselves and know the resources available.

Laundry
Like the rest of the things on this list, this is not rocket science. But there will be more questions than you realize when you first teach your child to do laundry. And it’s a skill that takes practice (and sometimes experiencing pink underwear and shrunken sweaters).

Go over the basics: read the labels to see what can be washed and what needs dry-cleaning, how to sort clothes, how to measure detergent, and how to read the dials on both the washer and the dryer. And don’t forget to teach them to empty that lint trap. Answer their questions and do your best to resist the urge to step in and take over. By the way… don’t just give them exposure here. Turn the task of doing their own laundry over to them. It will become a great tool for honing their time management skills when they find the article they wanted clean isn’t clean when they want it. One of those lessons best learned from experience. :-)

Cooking
I know sometimes it can be hard to share your kitchen… yet teaching your kids to cook is one of the best gifts you can give them. Besides knowing how to feed themselves well they’ll have a great way to impress friends. So start with the basics, scrambling eggs, making pasta, roasting chicken and making a grilled cheese sandwich. Then teach them how to use a cookbook and have him prepare a few of his favorite meals.

Let her decide on the menu, take her shopping (with you consulting) and when you get back home be there to coach her through the actual preparation of it all. From start to finish including cleanup and storage!

Listening
This is really a lifelong learning, but honing the skill of listening to your gut, or trusting your internal guidance system is a powerful tool for any and all of life’s situations. We are all born with a wonderful guidance system that serves us brilliantly if we are not trained away from it. To teach your child to listen to their inner guidance is probably the absolute most loving thing you can do for them.

We all know when something is ‘off’ about somebody or some situations. We feel that tingle in the air or a knot in our belly or the hair raising on the back of our neck. Staying tuned in to this ‘music’ can not only make life easier… it can help us avoid life threatening situations.

We also know when someone is telling the truth and when they aren’t… including ourselves. Yet there are so many subtle and not-so-subtle things tempting us to deny the ‘truth’. Sometimes we do it in order to be accepted. Sometimes we do it because we’re simply afraid to ‘rock the boat’.

Give your child the space to listen to their own guidance, their own feelings, and you’ll be giving them something far more valuable than a college education.

Making Appointments
By the time your child has become a teenager they can start making their own appointments for haircuts, dental checkups and doctor visits. Give them an appointment calendar with the names and numbers and be sure to remind them they can’t be in two places at one time. You might also need to remind them to allow time for travel to and from the appointment and have them realize they will want to check the various providers cancellation policy.

Understand… kids actually learn more when things don’t go smoothly, so don’t get too riled if appointments get missed. Instead be the soft place for them to land if they think it’s the end of the world. Better for them to have you available for guidance in coping than throwing them out into the world with no experience. And remember… a bad decision your child makes is ultimately worth more than a good decision that you make.

Managing Money
Okay… there are so many resources out there hammering about this that you hardly need me to remind you that it’s an essential skill. Yet as I look at a world full of money mismanagement… whether our government or us as individuals, it’s clear the message hasn’t really gotten delivered. So please, at the very least, make sure your child has a bank account and help them work out a monthly budget.

There are all kinds of tips for teaching children money management – just do a search on Google. And remember, ‘money’ management can be taught in a variety of ways that don’t even include much money. I know a Dad who ‘pays’ his boys in Hershey’s Kisses for certain accomplishments. They can eat them immediately or trade an accumulation of them in for larger ‘payment’ such as a month’s worth of membership at an online game site. It gives his young boys the opportunity to learn about ‘saving’ as well as ‘earning’. :-)

Here’s a bit of irony for you… today I wanted to talk about ‘kids gone wild’… and how much I love seeing a bunch of children playing wildly and with abandon (sadly, an all too rare sight these days) and then I ran across a comment someone made about receiving a note from their apartment management stating that if they don’t immediately clean up their children’s sidewalk art they would be fined for ‘tagging’!!!

Excuse me but WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH US??!!?

When I grow up I’m pretty sure I’ll be beyond being bothered by this but really… some days I can’t help but wonder if the whole world has gone mad.

Now understand, I currently live in an apartment… by choice. (I hadn’t had the experience in decades and wanted to try it out again… but that’s another story :-)) And I understand that communal living involves some ‘rules’ that might not be found with other ways of living. For instance, I can’t have a birdfeeder (they’re afraid of attracting rodents) and as the 4th of July just passed, a holiday here in America, we all received a letter informing us that NO FIREWORKS LEGAL OR OTHERWISE ARE ALLOWED ON THE PROPERTY. (yeah, written just like that. They’re afraid of potential lawsuits and don’t want the mess that a thoughtless few are likely to leave behind).  So okay… have a rule or two that saves you some work or protects your fanny from any and all fears, real or imagined.

But what is to be FEARED from childrens CHALK DRAWINGS??? And how tough is the cleanup of something that a light sprinkle of rain or a bit of foot traffic renders non-existent???

That particular ‘rule’ definitely brings out the rebel in me so today I want to encourage you ALL to join your children in creating beautiful chalk ‘graffiti’ in any fashion you choose… whether to create an image, a gameboard or to deliver a message dear to your heart… BE BRAVE… BE BOLD… BE CHEEKY… BE CHALKY… and HAVE FUN!!!!

Do you ever find yourself amazed at how quickly the days can pass one minute, and how long the days can be the next?

I can’t believe it’s Friday already, yet it’s the first chance I’ve had to add a post here. Life has an uncanny way of intruding on my plans… even with my so-called ‘active parenting’ years behind me!

As I look back on the week, trying to figure what the heck I’ve been up to that’s caused me to neglect posting, I can see that the above statement isn’t exactly true. There were other ‘chances’ — I simply chose something else.

And isn’t that how it always works? No matter what we claim… we are always choosing to attend to the thing we’re attending to in any given moment. Nobody is ‘making’ us choose something else. I mean, when it comes right down to it… even if someone has a gun to our heads, we’ll choose to do what they tell us to do rather than face the imagined consequences of getting shot.

So doesn’t it make sense to start appreciating our power to choose at all times and making that appreciation more important than bemoaning the fact we didn’t get everything done on our list?

I’m the editor of a monthly magazine. That means I have a ‘deadline’ at the end of each and every month. Often work gets backed up for me during the last week of the month. So of course, since the first half of this week was the last few days of last month… I know what was keeping me from my blog on those days. And I choose to keep plugging away on the articles because meeting that end of month deadline was more important to me than posting on my blog.

Yesterday was the first… deadline was met and while there are always a few dangling details to work on in wrapping up an issue, I could have made time for my blog. Instead… I received an unexpected invitation to a picnic lunch at the beach with my grandson.

Let’s see… cleaning up details or posting to my blog or taking a couple of hours to play. Yes… time with the grandson wins that round!

After a couple of hours I returned home only to have trouble with my computer. Here is where I let myself get a bit lost. Instead of truly taking the time to get in touch with what I most felt like doing, I wrestled with the computer for several hours!

Understand… the wacky computer didn’t ‘waste my time’… my choosing to tackle ‘gettingittoworkthewayIwantedittoworkrightnowdamnit…’ when I was feeling frustrated is what ‘wasted’ my time. I almost caught myself thinking there was no other choice… yet there were many, many other things I could have chosen to do.

Let this be a reminder the next time you’re tempted to blame your child as the reason you don’t find all the things on your ‘to-do’ list done!

Found this today from a blogging friend who found it from a twitter friend… don’t you LOVE the ‘net??!!?!??

Anyway… seeing as Father’s Day was yesterday it would make more sense to share one that Dad’s could relate to… but they haven’t yet uploaded that ‘rap’… I’ll keep you posted! :-)

Enjoy!

Most parents, when they see children not terrorized by the things that terrorize them, they work very hard until they’ve finally got you terrorized. They teach you those irrational fears. Well-meaning, but they do just the same.

— Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in San Antonio, TX on Saturday, April 20th, 2002 #474

As you well know, I love the wisdom of Abe. And they are ‘spot on’ when they talk about how insidiously we work at teaching our children to fear the things WE fear. The fear we were taught by all those ‘well-meaning’ adults in our life when we were kids!

Oh… I’m not immune to it… I can come up with all sorts of arguments defending why it’s important to teach children to be cautious….

BUT…

I also know what a fool’s errand that is!

Teaching our kids to be terrorized is definitely UPSTREAM parenting… and it kind of turns us into ‘terrorists’… doesn’t it?

Now… getting instantly rid of a lifetime accumulation of fears and cautions is highly unlikely to happen overnight, so I have a suggestions…

how about we just get more honest with ourselves and our children?

In other words, instead of trying to impose our fear on our child, let’s just own it for ourselves and see how our child responds. I’ve tried it… and it was a very powerful learning for me.

In other words… when/if your child is playing too close to the street… don’t start shrieking and screaming at them to get away from the stream… calmly and firmly tell them that YOU are afraid they’re playing too close to the street. Then give them a choice to move away from the street by going to another location outside or going instead.

Here’s something I want to caution you about though… you don’t want to be teaching them that YOUR feelings of safety are dependent on THEIR actions. That’s too much of a burden to put on a child… plus it’s simply not their responsibility.

So, in order to make this change successfully… (the change from teaching them fear to simply owning your own fears) you really have to be willing to OWN it. That means taking a look at what is so about your fear… and being open to having your child challenge your fear. Sometimes, when we shed some light on our fears we see that they are built on a foundation of sand. Full of imagination… and worry about things that aren’t even happening!

Isn’t it ironic when your kids turn the tables on you? Yesterday, my daughter-in-law was home alone with the six-year-old when she decided to go up on the roof to clean the gutters. So, she got out the ladder, told her son what she was about to do and talked with him about what he should do if, for some reason, she hurt herself.

Naturally, he wanted to join her on the roof as he agreed to run to the neighbor’s house if anything happened. Mom didn’t think that was a very good idea as she explained she just needed him waiting by ladder until she was finished and then she promised they would have a picnic on the roof.

That was a great idea to him. However, it wasn’t very long before this boy (well trained by his grownups LOL) shouted out,

“Mom, Are you almost done? I’m getting scared for you and thinking you should come down now!”